Hustle

Unmotivated

For awhile now I have been laidback, I know to think of the future and have goals and be responsible and learn and grow and all that good stuff but sometimes I can’t help but feel unambitious.

Like I meet or hear of people with such drive and I’m jealous. The funny part is I have big dreams and goals but I guess I don’t see them that way or like they’re not the main vision but other things I want to do, ya feel me

But I want to do them all. One time when asked what I’d do with a million dollars I just thought everything.

I blame my low attention span mind but I love doing ten things at a time because I do think a million things at once.

On drive, maybe I need to feel hopeful because once I do I’ll be on fire.

Right now on a scale of 1 to 10 I’m a big fat meh

This is the life this is the life (NOT!)

Today (well this past weekend) I give up on Love and Hip Hop Atlanta. I just can’t do it anymore. It just got to the point where I’m like what am I doing? What are they doing and why am I encouraging them?

I’m over it and so I am done.

I worry I will outgrow my shows as well. They no longer bring the joy they once did. Well, some of them.

Maybe it’s the summer shows problem or perhaps it is the no time, longness of Nigeria situation but my loyalties are weakening. Maybe I am finally growing up and wanting to commit to real people rather than fictional characters.

I had wanted to do my weekly show reviews but lately the shows have me feeling so meh, I can barely analyse it with a show buddy or remember things for plot continuity critique

Maybe it’ll come back, maybe I’ll be able to do for some

But I want to be a tv tastemaker so something must inspire me soon

The L word

Bubbly, light, wavey

Alcohol

Laughter, silliness, relaxed

Happy

Engaged, transfixed, interested

TV shows

Obsessive, escape, content

Reading

Interminably, intoxicating, euphoric

Food

Food, Reading , TV shows, Happy, Alcohol

You

Un..happy

Help me sing this song of freedom

A song I didn’t think I had to sing

A song that I did not know when I lost

Ever find yourself feeling like is this it? Is this how life is forever

Brief bursts of happiness shrouded in perpetual darkness

But I am the light of the world

A city set on a hill

So I radiate for others

But barely have enough for me

So I have the unlimited Source

Why can’t I feel the unlimited light

Am I doing it wrong

This feeling will pass but even when it does

The darkness looms just beyond

Waiting

Monday blues, Lagos living, adulthood

Excuses

Maybe im just unhappy

Dating etiquettes

I stare deeply into gorgeous brown eyes that sparkle in the candlelight glow, I am transfixed. I feel like we've been doing this for ages but it is still not long enough. Sure enough it is the latter, as while I am still thinking these thoughts the waiter walks up to our table, slightly miffed as we're the last patrons 'here's the bill' and walks away. We stare at each other not in the romantic way we were doing a minute ago, awkwardly and suddenly we can't meet each other's eyes. Silence. After 30seconds, I sigh as I reach for my wallet. He does the same.

I am quite awkward as a person. I don't easily fall into comfortability with people till our relationship (friendship or whatever) reaches a certain level.Honestly I have intimacy issues but that is a story for another day. Awkward as I may be I hate feeling embarrassed, these may be not be the things that most people find mutually exclusive but i'm special. Because I hate feeling embarrassed I make sure to do things I can be okay with and can justify in my head so if it comes across as embarrassing I don't feel that way cos I have done it understanding it was okay/acceptable as right.

Dating and seeing people can get very awkward because you don't know the person well enough or haven't reached a level of comfortability where you can freely and confidently do certain things. Take for instance how to address the person when introducing or referring to him in conversations.
There are a lot of things that make dating awkward, today I would like to talk about the handling the bill issue. I feel like people talk about this problem a lot and it is not a new issue but I have never really gotten any concrete advice as to what to do  and I had to think about it recently when speaking with a friend.

The traditional idea was that a man paid for dinner or activities when he took a woman out but in the wave of feminism which I am all for, the lines have blurred a bit as to what to do.
Historically, in pre-feminist times the woman did not make as much money as the man and was meant to do everything in her power to make sure she didn't violate the man's status as hunter-gatherer so it made sense that the man paid but with the empowerment and enlightenment of identities of the sexes, women are increasingly more financially independent at least in most developed countries and guys now know or I hope they do that they don't need to have the woman diminished in certain regards to validate their sex as male.

what does this mean in present times? women can now pay for their meals, ask men out and pay for both their meals...as well as other activities that people that are courting dating are wont to do or better yet both parties pay for what they ate or did and split the bill. But because we have been brought up by people that grew up in a pre-feminist era we find that we still expect the guy to pick up the bill when we go out and this is not even limited to guys we date, our guy friends are sometimes included.
Gold digger or not, I sort of accept it because it is the way I was raised. i know I can pay for my dinner but it shows you are caring and generous when you ask me to have dinner and you pay for it. It is the same way I know I can open the car door or any door we walk through together but somehow you get bonus points for opening it and letting me walk through first.

To avoid broken expectations, disappointment and awkwardness. Many girls reach for their purse but don't really want to pay and end up getting disappointed when they are not stopped. It is not like they aren't fine to pay it, it's just cause no one knows the exact procedure in these things and assume the other person is thinking what they are thinking. I can't speak for guys but maybe they are also not sure of the girl's feminist principles so they feel you might find it insulting by telling you they will pay

I don't know how this will appeal to everyone out there but I have come up with something I think I can be okay with so I am not embarrassed in the future. Here it goes, if you ask me to dinner or whatever activity the date is, offer to pay for it and let me be the one to insist on paying for my half (or not! lol) and if I asked you to come out somewhere then I'd offer to pay it all and you can insist otherwise or for dutch.

That is my solution to the handling the bill thing when you are dating. It is not perfect but it seems fair. When you are in a full on relationship then I feel you are more free to discuss what you think is acceptable or how you go about it together.

Let me know what you think of the whole situation in the comments, I hope you have different thoughts I do enjoy conflict.

This thing of Ours

I don't know how to keep in touch is an excuse

I'm not saying that it is not true and quite frankly I use it unashamedly and a lot but it is still a poor reason

Because the truth is no matter how bad you are at it you haven't not been speaking to anyone - excuse the double negative

What I'm trying to say is if you really wanted to you will but you don't want to admit that it's been hard to message the person when you think of them because u fear you have drifted apart and don't want to have an awkward conversation cos u really don't want to think of ur friendship as reduced to that

That you feel like if u did speak to them u wouldn't be able to fully be urself and say all the things you really want to cos u don't know how or what the person thinks about you now. The whole u can be silly with ur friends but at this point they're almost an acquitance

Or that u are really lazy or u expect them to reach out first because u are not one to put urself out there for fear of rejection

Or u have lost those things u had in common that forged the friendship in the first place and as cliche as it sounds you really are at different places in your life


Bit then it's easier to say I don't know how to keep in touch..it's not a lie but it's not the whole truth

I don't know why I'm thinking about this or if I'd change myself. I realise u can't be bosom buddies with certain ppl forever but u may want to address this honestly with the people u do want in your life in the long run cos it might just be the icebreaker that will lead to the recovery of your friendship


P.S: in case it wasn't obvious I'm a believer in self development. You shouldn't apologise for who you are but u should also be honest about the best version of yourself and develop urself to it..hey don't just take my word for it

It's IMO

xx

Tan lines, Swimsuits and all inclusive service

As i begin this post, a huge smile is plastered on my face as I contemplate where to start in explaining the amazing experience I had in Cancun this easter.
Maybe from the very beginning will be best.. so my friend Dara wanted to do a destination holiday for her 21st cause she's so cool and un-mainstream and that's what a dinner and dancing party would have been to be honest so we her friends, especially me, grew some serious balls and asked our parents to go on a trip to Mexico and by the grace and mercy of God, i promise you that can be the only explanation, we got the funds, permission- and for me with my Nigerian pali- the visa to go!

The anticipation and building excitement was unbelievable, we just couldn't wait and even after we had bought the plane tickets we still couldn't believe we were actually doing it! We prepared extensively for it with shopping sprees in the UK and on Aliexpress (God bless that site!), yes we ordered stuff from China! including and not limited to hair, clothes, swimwear, waterproof cases for our phones.
Also prepared body wise with exercise regimes, diet plans and what not because we had to be bikini ready!

April 17th finally came and we made our way to Mexico with our converted pesos, holiday appropriate wardrobe and banging bodies and it was better than we could ever imagine. I get so happy thinking about it that I cannot fully describe it. We went jet skiing (sort of) parasailing, private yacht cruising, snorkeling, swimming and playing with Dolphins in the oceans, we also visited the flea markets, rode their local buses, pool side chilled and also did some beach frolicking.

And the fooood! Let me just mention that the hotel was all inclusive so your imagination can do the rest on how much we ate! and if you're thinking it was like a chinese buffet that can sometimes be not that great let me correct you. The food was amazing like soo good, there was hardly anything i tasted that i didn't like. Mexican food is gorgeous and unlimited supply..well let's just say no one can blame me for being a bit of a glutton while i was there. I had to give up on my bikini body oh.

okay not so much giving up

The drinks were free as well so we shayo-ed to our heart's content..drank! i tried to have as many cocktails as possible but i now know my knowledge of cocktails is very limited cos I had all I knew and more and I still didn't have them all! our go-to drink was the Strawberry daiquiri which we at some point had to start taking virgin because we were all alcohol-ed out.

We met loads of interesting people especially this guy from Rhode Island with a legit Italian American, mafia sounding accent and lots of nice people fascinated with a group of black girls lol.
Going out was legendary and once was enough, trust me. I lost my voice and I am still struggling to recover it back.

The beach with its white sands and blue water with different shades that ombre-d...the burger that made my eyes roll back into my head the first time i tasted it, the pool, the hot guys (even though they were with girlfriends, urghh i was salty and no it wasn't just the seawater), the amazing hospitality service at ME by Melia Cancun, with the palm on the chest as they said 'Hola'..the vanilla cake from the cafe..oh my gosh, take me back!

I was really sad to come back to reality but every good thing comes to an end and I still have my tan lines and pictures that verify that i was actually there and good memories to carry throughout my days.
All in all, I'm glad and thankful I did it and I definitely want to do trips like this many more times in my lifetime God willing.